I’ve written before about my own experience of friendships that have fallen away. It was a very personal piece – you can read it HERE if you’re interested. This time, though, I want to explore friendships and relationships more broadly, looking a little deeper at hormones, neurodivergence, and how, for many women in midlife, these factors can bring unexpected shifts in connection.
Friendships that once felt easy may begin to fade. Tolerance for certain dynamics drops. Socialising can feel more draining than it once did, even with people you genuinely care about. You may notice yourself pulling back, simplifying, or quietly questioning relationships you’ve maintained for years.
If you’re autistic, ADHD, AuDHD – or beginning to wonder whether you might be – these changes are not random, and they’re not a personal failing. They are often a reflection of changing capacity, growing clarity, and deepening self-awareness.
Why do friendships start to feel harder in midlife?
Midlife is a time when many women have less spare energy and far fewer emotional reserves. Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause affect emotional regulation, stress tolerance and recovery time. At the same time, many women are juggling work, caring roles, health changes, and identity shifts. The margin for “coping” quietly disappears.
For neurodivergent women, friendships have often required significant effort long before midlife – masking, people-pleasing, managing sensory overload, rehearsing conversations, or overriding personal needs to keep the peace. When capacity reduces, that effort becomes harder to sustain.
Why do I suddenly feel less tolerant of certain people?
This can feel unsettling, especially for women who pride themselves on being loyal, kind and accommodating. Many women find that in midlife:
- they struggle more with one-sided friendships
- they have less patience for emotional labour that isn’t reciprocated
- small boundary violations feel much bigger
- social interactions feel more draining and less nourishing
This is often the result of greater self-awareness rather than becoming “difficult”. When masking drops, authenticity rises – and not every relationship survives that shift.
How does neurodivergence affect relationships?
Autistic and ADHD women often experience relationships intensely. They may:
- form deep, meaningful connections quickly
- struggle with surface-level socialising
- feel responsible for others’ emotions
- experience rejection sensitivity or fear of abandonment
- feel overwhelmed by unspoken expectations
For years, many neurodivergent women adapt themselves to maintain connection. In midlife, the cost of doing so can finally become visible.
Clinical guidance from National Institute for Health and Care Excellence recognises that autism and ADHD affect social communication and emotional regulation across the lifespan. These differences don’t disappear with age – but the ability to mask them often does.
What about long-term relationships and partnerships?
Romantic relationships can also shift significantly. Some women find that menopause and neurodivergence bring:
- reduced tolerance for emotional imbalance
- a stronger need for honesty and direct communication
- changes in intimacy and sensory needs
- grief for being misunderstood for many years
Partners may struggle to understand why things feel different. Women may struggle to articulate what they need when they are still figuring it out themselves.
According to NHS England, midlife transitions can place strain on relationships, particularly when communication patterns and emotional needs change. For neurodivergent women, feeling believed and respected becomes essential.
Why does loneliness sometimes increase?
This is one of the quiet griefs of midlife. Letting go of unsustainable friendships can create space – but it can also create loneliness, especially if new connections haven’t yet formed. Many women find themselves in a gap between who they were socially and who they are becoming.
This can be a sign of growing clarity about the relationships that truly fit. It’s the kind of loneliness that comes from feeling unseen or out of sync with those around you.
What helps relationships feel safer and more sustainable?
For many neurodivergent women, midlife brings a shift away from quantity and towards quality. Helpful changes often include:
- fewer relationships, but more authentic ones
- clearer boundaries without over-explaining
- permission to step back from draining dynamics
- relationships that allow silence, honesty and difference
- shared values rather than shared history
Supportive relationships don’t require constant performance. They allow room for change.
Is it selfish to want less from relationships now?
No. It’s honest. Midlife often brings a reckoning with how much emotional labour women have been carrying – often invisibly. Wanting relationships that cost less is not a rejection of others, it’s a form of self-respect.
You are allowed to outgrow dynamics that no longer fit, and you are allowed to want connection that feels safe, reciprocal and real.
If relationships are shifting for you right now, you may be moving through a period of deeper self-awareness. Old patterns can become more visible, along with the ways you’ve been hard on yourself for a long time. Understanding your needs – and allowing them to matter – can be the beginning of relationships that feel steadier, kinder and more sustainable.
References and further reading:
- National Institute for Health and Care Excellence – Autism and ADHD in adults
- NHS England – Mental wellbeing and relationships
- Hull L et al. (2020) – Masking and social exhaustion in autistic women
- Brown B. (2018) – Boundaries and connection
- Bargiela S et al. (2016) – Experiences of late-diagnosed autistic women
Photo by Thierry Biland on Unsplash