What started as a relaxed reel with a cup of tea took me down an unexpected rabbit hole… Let me explain.
I was setting up to record a reel about managing overwhelm. The tripod was out, angled towards the armchair where I was sitting, ready to deliver my lines as naturally and authentically as I could. That part isn’t always easy for me. My brain prefers a script, thanks to differences in processing speed and accessing my vocabulary, so “off the cuff” can feel anything but effortless. I was testing my microphone and feeling a bit silly – hence the title of this blog. As usual, there were a few false starts. A couple of fluffed words. Some retakes. A bit of editing required. All perfectly normal for me.
At some point, I decided to make a little “bloopers” reel out of the outtakes. I’ve done this before, purely for light-hearted fun, and people tend to enjoy them. (You’ve Been Framed, anyone? We do seem to love laughing at other people’s mishaps! And then something caught my attention. In one of the “testing, testing 123” clips, I say to the camera that I’m “getting ready for a little reel”, then pause and ask, “How do I look? Do I look like a twat?!” It was meant as a throwaway joke. But watching it back, it stopped me in my tracks.
Is that authenticity… or social conditioning?
We talk about authenticity as if it’s simple.
“Just be yourself.”
But which version?
The one filtered through years of social rules?
The one that’s learned what’s acceptable, palatable, respectable?
The one that knows how to behave so as not to be judged?
I realised that even in my most “real” moments, there’s often a quiet internal editor running in the background. Don’t swear or be too much. Don’t get it wrong and invite criticism. I choose not to swear in reels – and that is a choice aligned with my values. At home, and with friends who know me well, I swear freely. But I also deeply admire people who swear openly on social media or in presentations and don’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks. So where’s the line?
Am I being authentic, or demonstrating very well-practised social conditioning?
Enter stage left: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
As I sat with this, something else surfaced. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. That intense, visceral fear of being judged, criticised, misunderstood or rejected – something many people with ADHD experience. It isn’t logical. It lives in the nervous system, not the thinking brain.
And then came the bigger questions:
- How do I get over this?
- Will I ever truly be free of it?
- Do I have the power to change this part of me?
- Or does trying to change it make me less authentic?
Classic rabbit hole. Plenty of existential pondering.
What does authenticity actually mean?
I don’t think authenticity means being unfiltered all the time. Or sharing everything. Or deliberately shocking people.
Authenticity is not performance. To me, being authentic looks more like this:
- Being brave enough to be seen
- Allowing yourself to be vulnerable
- Living in alignment with your values
- Letting your moral compass guide you, even when it feels uncomfortable
- Speaking up when something matters to you instead of shrinking away
- Putting your hand up in class, despite the fear of giving the “wrong” answer
Rather than the absence of fear, it’s choosing not to let fear be the decision-maker.
Authenticity is a practice, not a personality trait
This is the part I think we often miss. Authenticity isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s something you practise. And that can involve:
- Reframing failure as learning
- Letting mistakes exist without attaching shame
- Allowing growth without self-betrayal
- Being compassionate with the parts of you that learned to stay safe
Wanting to feel safe doesn’t make you inauthentic. It makes you human.
Where I landed
I didn’t “solve” authenticity in a single afternoon with a mug of tea and a bloopers reel. But I did realise this:
- Keeping the outtakes felt more honest than deleting them.
- Letting myself be imperfect felt more aligned than trying to look polished.
- And questioning my behaviour felt more authentic than blindly performing confidence.
Maybe authenticity isn’t about erasing RSD, it’s learning to walk alongside it gently, without letting it silence you.
And maybe… just maybe…a light-hearted reel is sometimes the doorway to something much deeper.
If this resonated, I’m glad I’m not alone. And if you’re practising being more yourself, one brave moment at a time – good on you. Keep going 
Note: No twats were harmed in the writing of this article. Just gently enlightened.