If getting to sleep – or waking up – feels like a battle, I want to start by saying this gently: it might not be a “you problem”.
I see this so often with the women I work with, especially those who are neurodivergent. You try the routines, read the advice and you know what you’re “supposed” to be doing… yet sleep feels elusive. And that’s usually because we’re looking in the wrong place.
This isn’t just about building habits. It’s actually more about your brain and how it’s wired, as well as your hormones during midlife and beyond.
Why your sleep might not follow the “normal” pattern
We’re all told there’s a right way to sleep. Go to bed at a sensible time, wake up early, feel refreshed. Sounds simple, except… it’s not.
Your body runs on a circadian rhythm – an internal clock that responds to light and darkness. But not all clocks run in sync. Many ADHD and autistic brains naturally lean towards a later rhythm. You might feel more alert in the evening, more focused once the world quietens down, and then you’re expected to be up and functioning at a time your brain just isn’t ready for. If that’s you, it can feel like you’re constantly swimming upstream.
And then midlife comes along…
If you’re in perimenopause or post-menopause, there’s another layer to this. Hormones start to shift. Oestrogen and progesterone fluctuate and decline, and melatonin – the hormone that helps regulate sleep – reduces as we age. You might notice you’re waking more in the night, or that your sleep feels lighter, more broken, less restorative than it used to.
So if you’re sitting there thinking, “Why does this feel so much harder now?”… you’re not imagining it. You’re navigating neurological differences and hormonal changes at the same time.
A quick reality check (because this isn’t one-size-fits-all)
Not every neurodivergent person has a delayed sleep pattern. I always think this is important to say. As a child, I was absolutely a night owl. Late nights, busy brain, mornings were a struggle. Now I’m an early bird. And my children? They’re the complete opposite. Same neurotype, completely different rhythms. So this tells us something really important: there isn’t one “neurodivergent way” of sleeping, and your pattern can shift over time.
So what if your life doesn’t match your rhythm?
In an ideal world, we’d all sleep when our bodies want to and wake when they’re ready. But real life doesn’t always allow for that. Work, school runs, responsibilities… sometimes early mornings are non-negotiable, even if your brain would prefer otherwise.
And this is usually where people ask me: “Can I retrain my brain?” The answer I give is: Not in a forceful, override-everything kind of way. But you can support it. And that’s a very different energy.
A few ways to work with your brain
If you do need to be up earlier than your natural rhythm would choose, these are some gentle, realistic ways to support yourself:
Start with light. Your brain pays a lot of attention to it. If your evenings are brightly lit, your system stays alert for longer, so dimming lights after dinner can really help your body start to wind down. Then in the morning, even a few minutes of natural light can begin to anchor your rhythm and nudge things earlier over time. My way of achieving this is to take my morning cup of coffee outdoors and breathe in the fresh air.
It’s also worth softening your approach to sleep itself. The more you try to force it, the more alert your brain tends to become. Instead of focusing on “I need to fall asleep”, shift your attention to feeling calm, safe and relaxed in your body. Sleep often follows when the conditions are right.
Another gentle tip I often share, especially if you find yourself waking in the night, is this: Try not to look at the time. If you have a digital clock by the bed, turn it away from you. And as tempting as it is, avoid tapping your phone to check the time too.
I say this because it’s something I noticed in myself. The moment I started clock-watching, my brain would go straight into calculation mode… “How much sleep have I lost? How long have I got left?” And from there, it becomes much harder to drift back off, because you’re suddenly trying too hard to sleep.
Clock-watching can quietly create stress in the body. Cortisol starts to rise, your brain shifts into a more alert state, and that natural sleepy feeling from melatonin gets overridden. So if you wake in the night, see if you can stay in a softer, less pressured space rather than bringing time into it.
Consistency can help too, but it doesn’t need to be rigid. Waking up at roughly the same time each day gives your body a steady reference point, even if your nights aren’t perfect yet. And don’t underestimate the role of your body in all of this. If you’re carrying tension, your brain reads that as a signal to stay switched on. Gentle stretching, slow breathing, or even a simple body scan can help your system settle before bed.
One thing I see a lot, particularly with neurodivergent women, is that evenings become the only real “time for me”. The house is quieter, the demands have dropped away, and suddenly your brain comes alive. If that resonates, it might help to build in small moments of quiet or space earlier in your day, so your brain doesn’t feel like it has to hold out for the evening.
The piece that matters most
If your brain runs later, or your sleep feels out of sync with the world around you, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re doing something wrong. You’re not. But you might be living in a world that isn’t designed for your rhythm. And that mismatch can feel exhausting.
So yes, we can look at ways to support your sleep. We can gently guide your brain and create conditions that help. But alongside all of that, there has to be compassion. Because this isn’t about forcing yourself into someone else’s version of “normal”. It’s about understanding your brain well enough to support it in the life you actually have.
A final thought
Sleep struggles are often treated as something to fix quickly. But when neurodivergence and midlife hormones are part of the picture, it becomes less about control and more about understanding. Or, to put in plainly, less about “discipline” and more about support. And that’s where real, sustainable change tends to begin.
If you’ve found this piece helpful, please share it with anyone who might benefit from reading it, too.
Photo by Greg Pappas on Unsplash