How menopause became the beginning of understanding myself for the first time
For much of my life, I thought I was simply struggling more than everyone else. I was the woman who held everything together on the outside whilst quietly battling chaos on the inside. I was raising children, working hard, supporting everyone around me and doing my very best to keep all the plates spinning. From the outside, I looked capable and resilient. Inside, though, I often felt exhausted.
There always seemed to be an invisible set of rules that everyone else understood but I had somehow missed. Everyday life felt harder than it appeared to be for other people, and simple tasks often felt surprisingly overwhelming. I spent years trying to keep up, fit in and do things “properly”, becoming incredibly skilled at masking the fact that I was struggling.
I pushed myself through burnout, ignored my own needs and blamed myself when things felt difficult. I genuinely believed I just needed to try harder, be more organised, more disciplined and more resilient.
At the same time, alcohol had become one of the ways I coped with life. It helped me switch off the constant mental noise, soften anxiety and temporarily escape the feeling that I was somehow always falling short.
Choosing sobriety changed everything. It wasn’t easy, but becoming sober gave me a level of clarity I hadn’t experienced in years. It removed one of the coping strategies I had relied upon and forced me to begin looking at myself more honestly and compassionately.
Then came menopause.
As my hormones shifted, many of the strategies I had unknowingly developed over decades simply stopped working. The exhaustion deepened, concentration became harder and emotional overwhelm intensified. Sensory sensitivities became more pronounced, and the mask I had worn for so many years began to slip.
At first, I thought I was losing myself. What I understand now is that I was actually finding myself. The journey eventually led me to seek answers and, in my late forties and early fifties, I discovered that I am both ADHD and autistic.
Receiving those diagnoses didn’t change who I was. They changed how I understood who I had always been. Suddenly, decades of confusion began to make sense. My sensitivities. My need for routine and predictability alongside a craving for novelty and stimulation. The anxiety before and during social situations. The exhaustion afterwards. The feeling of being different and misunderstood. The years spent trying to become someone I thought I should be.
For the first time in my life, I stopped viewing myself through a lens of deficiency and began to understand my brain with greater compassion and curiosity.
There was grief, of course. Grief for the younger version of me who struggled without support or understanding, and grief for the years spent believing I was lazy, dramatic, disorganised or simply failing at life.
But alongside that grief came relief, self-compassion and permission. Permission to stop trying to force myself into environments and expectations that had never really worked for me, and permission to begin building a life that genuinely did.
Late discovery didn’t solve all of my challenges, and menopause certainly didn’t suddenly become easy. Life still requires effort, understanding and ongoing self-compassion. The difference is that I now understand why some things feel harder for me and can respond to myself with kindness rather than criticism.
I no longer spend my energy trying to become someone I was never meant to be. Today, my experiences have become part of my purpose.
I support other late-discovered ADHD and autistic women navigating these intersections of menopause, identity and self-understanding. I help women move away from self-blame and towards self-acceptance because understanding yourself really can change everything.
If menopause has left you wondering why life suddenly feels harder than it used to, if coping strategies that once worked no longer do, or if you’re beginning to question whether there might be more to your story, please know this:
You are not alone. Sometimes menopause doesn’t just change us; it introduces us to ourselves for the very first time.
You can read more about my experience of growing up with undiagnosed ADHD and autism in my book, Meeting Myself for the First Time, available on Amazon: https://amzn.eu/d/09VXmOLJ