How years of self-criticism can make it difficult to recognise what we’re doing well
Since writing my previous article about discovering ADHD and autism during menopause, I’ve found myself reflecting on what came afterwards. Not the diagnoses themselves, but the process of beginning to see myself differently.
Recently, I was asked a question that, on the surface, seemed incredibly simple: What are your strengths?
As a coach, I felt as though I should have had an answer ready and waiting. But instead, I hesitated. I found myself thinking about all the things I find difficult before I could identify anything I might actually be good at.
It got me wondering whether this is something many women experience, particularly those of us who discover our neurodivergence later in life.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that I have spent much of my life focusing on where I thought I was falling short. It was easy to notice the forgotten appointments, the unfinished projects and the moments I felt overwhelmed. It was much harder to recognise that, alongside all of that, I was also raising three children, supporting family members, building a business and showing up for people I care about.
Somehow, those things simply became what I was supposed to be doing rather than things worth acknowledging.
I wonder how many of us move through life in this way. We become experts at noticing our mistakes, replaying awkward moments and focusing on the things we wish we had done differently. We hold ourselves to incredibly high standards and then feel disappointed when we don’t quite meet them.
At the same time, we minimise the things that perhaps deserve celebrating. We dismiss our resilience because we had no choice but to keep going. We overlook our empathy because it feels ordinary to us. We downplay our determination because we focus instead on the times we struggled.
Interestingly, I suspect that if I asked my husband or children what my strengths are, they would answer far more quickly than I would. And that, in itself, feels quite revealing.
I wonder whether many late-discovered neurodivergent women become so accustomed to focusing on what went wrong that recognising what is going right feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
Perhaps we’ve spent years trying to improve ourselves, fit in or compensate for the things we find difficult. Perhaps we’ve become so focused on what still needs fixing that we’ve lost sight of everything we’ve already navigated.
The truth is that recognising our strengths isn’t about pretending life is perfect or deciding that we suddenly have everything figured out. It’s not about arrogance or ignoring the very real challenges we may still face.
Perhaps it’s simply about balance, recognising that struggling in some areas doesn’t erase our strengths in others, and acknowledging that two things can be true at the same time: life can feel hard, and we can still be doing remarkably well.
I know that I’m still learning this. I still find it easier to focus on the things I wish I had done differently than the things I have done well. But I’m beginning to wonder whether self-compassion sometimes starts with noticing what we’ve already achieved rather than only focusing on what still feels difficult.
So, I’d like to leave you with a question. What’s one thing you can celebrate about yourself today? Not next week, when you’ve finally got everything sorted. Nor when you’ve reached another goal or ticked everything off your to-do list. Today.
Perhaps you got through a difficult week. Perhaps you supported someone you love, set a boundary, asked for help or simply got out of bed when that felt hard.
The answer doesn’t have to be big or impressive. Maybe the small things matter far more than we realise. And learning to notice them is something worth celebrating, too.